Monthly Archives: March 2009

The Jordanian Taxi Ride : A world of it's own.

I was talking to my friend Abdullah the other day and we started reminiscing his times in Jordan and what he misses the most.  The all too familiar memory of the Jordanian cab driver was on the top of his list and we laughed our asses off for a long time. Most of us who reside in Jordan have heard plenty of stories from “7amoodeh : sayeg el taxi” :P, and they just never get old. It’s like they have this secret “3ar6a” union where they constantly update the old “3ar6a6” and keep the really popular ones.

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I’m going to share some of the many points me and Abdullah talked about :

  • Every taxi driver in Jordan is educated, sexy and is either an engineer or holds an M.D.
  • The first point we discussed was the level of education he holds and how street smart (7ideg) he is, la2eno kol sayeg taxi bil ordon a7dag min el tani, ow kolhom sho3’ol falsafe. For example :
  •                 I’m in the cab with my friend,we both study medicine, and we start discussing today’s lecture on “carcinomas”. The conversation sways back and forth with me and him sharing different opinions on the matter. Suddenly, you hear a voice say “La2, ma atwaqa3 ino heek”. You turn left and right trying to look for that oncologist that accidentally got into the cab with you and it turns out to be our “7ideg” cab driver. I stare at him and ask who he is to share his opinion, and he talks about his five and a half years of studying medicine in Russia, but then “el zoroof” happened, and he dropped out to work on a Mitsubishi.
  •                You’re late for a business meeting and your car suddenly dies. You hurry and take the first cab you can find, get in, and ask him to take you there. You suggest your normal short-cut route of getting there and he speeds off in the opposite direction telling you he has an even shorter way (so apparently a short-cut to a short-cut). You get to the meeting, later than you would have gotten there if you had walked. Bas bidal 7ideg, he knows all the short-cuts, it just wasn’t his day.
  •                 7amoodeh sees a police car wizz by and he swears at the police. You go “lah ya zalameh, 6awel balak”. He begins to tell you the story of when the police tried to chase him and he got away thanks to his superb driving skills and knowledge of the roads. To make it a little more believable, he tells you that he got caught eventually and was issued a ticket.
  • The second issue we talked about was how much of a sex icon he is, and how every girl that gets in his cab wants to have sex with him :
  •                 You’re sitting next to the cab driver, and you’re listening to your iPod. Out of nowhere, he taps you on the knee. You obviously pause your iPod and look over at him, and suddenly he starts talking and says : ” Gabel shway tel3at ma3ay wa7de, agolak,  wa7deh allah men foog be3lam feeha, anoo, o sharafi a7la men Haifa! Galatli 5odni 3ala el ma6ra7 el flani and when we got there she said keef beddak adfa3lak ?! “
  •                 Once you get in the taxi, his phone rings. All you hear from the conversation is : “Allo, aywa, 7ader, inshalla”. He then looks over at you and laughs then says : “Bedha iyani amor 3aleeha ow ashmot**”.  Tab3an it’s probably his mom asking him to pick up bread before he gets home
  • The third thing we talked about was the engineering degree he holds :
  •                The all too familiar phrase : “aa5 aa5, wallah hay el dinya ishi be5arri”. You’re curious as to what’s bothering him (not really you just want to hear something really funny), so you ask him what’s wrong ? He starts off : ” Elli janbak (referring to himself) mohandes 6ayaran men almania, bas el zaman, aaaaa5 men el zaman, ma 3alina, la wein 3ammi ? “
  •                He asks : “  Sho btodross 3ammi? ” You say medicine and he replies: ” ah walla el 6ibb 7ilo, ana mohandess 6ayaran men almania bas ba7ib ashta3’il 3al taxi “.

This conversation started a few days ago and ever since then me and him have just been sharing stories and laughing for days on end. Today after having lunch with the missus, I was going home with this fairly old looking cab driver. On one of the turns, another taxi driver got too close to his car and he yelled out : “Son of a bitch! Fuck you ya!”. I didn’t pay attention cause I had my piercing on and I thought the guy was just trying to tease me by talking english. A few seconds later he looks at me and says : “3ammi nobody in Jordan know how to drive, you should see blad bara keef el swaga.” I nodded in approval and turned myself towards him a little, knowing I’d love the upcoming things to leave his mouth. He then tells me : “Ana konet 3ayesh bi Texas”. I reply asking him what part of Texas and he immediately replies “Houston.” So far so good, up until he starts with his life story. I asked him why he came back here, and as usual, he replied “el zoroof 5al, sho bedak itsawi”. I thought that was it, cause usually it doesn’t go past that. He continued on by ranting : “Ya zalameh I loved her ow a5lastelha aktar min Romeo to Juliet! Aktar min Kais la Lulwa, gasdi Layla. Ya man I loved her and gave her everything. I studied Business Administration at the university of Houston and she studied Law. I met her there, she was my lawyer man, and she fucked me over!” As he said that last sentence I had arrived home, and after paying him left saying “Better luck next time”.

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Please share your stories, I know everyone of you has at least 1 good Taxi story :D, do share.

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Filed under Funny, Jordan, Life, Shmal, Yameen-Shmal

*Squeeze me* – Another one :)

Hahahahahahahaha! I can’t stop laughing. These guys just make my day. Here’s the new Sprite commercial :). ENJOY !

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Lock up your daughters : "Death by Lip Gloss"

” Abu Mohammed, led 3a bentak 7atta 7omra ow bitsolef ma3 Yousef, ibn el la7am “. I know it sounds a bit too “bab el 7ara” cliche’, but it works, no ? Abu Mohammed receives news from his neighbor that his daughter left the house to school dressed like a GIRL (clothes and lip gloss or what not) and said good morning to a BOY! Ohh God, the horror, the shame, bint el toot! Meanwhile, Mohammed is already at school, he left early to catch up on some studying with his “colleagues”. Mohammed gets to school early and meets Sarah next to the engineering block, and they sit under the trees away from sight. They return home at lunch time and before they get a chance to eat, Abu Mohammed asks to speak to Yasmeen in the privacy of her own room, and as pitches rise, Abu Mohammed delivers the first blow to the face. Yasmeen cries out for her mom, who dares not interfere in the business of her husband, the provider of the household. ” Goltelik 7arakat el sharm*** hay ta3et el 7omra wel 7aki ma3 shabab el 7ara ma bidi iyaha! Sho bido iygool 3ani Abu Yousef, ine dab shl*** 3andi bil beit! ” He says this as he delivers the second blow that produces a gash on her forehead that immediately bleeds. Mohammed runs into the room to see his father hovered over the innocent child, her hand applying pressure to the fresh wound. ” Eesh fi yaba ? Sho sayer ? “. His father replies after spitting on  Yasmeen, informing his son of the events of the day. He then makes it clear for Mohammed that it’s okay to beat at his sister’s already bruised face, and he does. The agonizing cries for help go unheard as Om Mohammed shuts her ears to mute the sound of her own flesh being beaten to death. Beaten to death…

The above story is, sadly, just another “honor killing” in our mighty Hashemite Kingdom Of Jordan. I am sick and tired of hearing such inhumane stories broadcast and even applauded by some as acts to save our “honor”. When are we ever going to turn over the old dust-filled pages of what we call “tradition” and walk our country into the 21st century ? When are 19 year old girls going to stop being brutally killed because of lip gloss ? When are the voices of women going to be heard in Jordan ? According to the current rate of development in our country, it’ll be sometime after I am deceased.

“Honor Killings” is a topic that has spurred quite a buzz over the Jordanian blogosphere after the recent incident in Zarqa occured, and as I promised fellow blogger Kinzi, my voice as a blogger and man will be added to others who support and cry out for women’s rights to be considered.

Those people who commit honor crimes are the same people who I talked about, that think everything that has the picture of the king is considered holy. They are ignorant savages of which our country is full of. Passing a law to protect women’s rights in Jordan is like attempting to have clean elections, it’s impossible. There are too many corrupt people, in too high positions of power that just don’t give a shit as long as their Porsche Cayenne is clean and full of gas. “Men” of power, that sit by and watch as these crimes against women, crimes against humanity, are committed. Men whose sons are abusing the “honor” of other women as they defend their own, and when confronted about it are applauded and described as being “men”. Men who lived their lives with customs that forbade their sisters to speak to anyone other than family members. Customs that degraded women and took away their right to live and have a normal life. Customs that today make us the nation we are : developing and far from getting anywhere.

None of us are against brothers or fathers looking out for their daughters from other people. God knows we’ve seen our share of rape and sexual abuse going on in Jordan, and I am pro scolding those women who stray away from the rules that will keep them safe and out of harms way, but killing our sister because she had lip gloss on, when you were making out with someone else’s sister ? Someone else’s daughter ? Wila because you’re a guy then you’re excluded from respecting any honor if it doesn’t include your own ? But seriously, lip gloss ? Murdering her for talking to a boy ? What the fuck is going on ? Does anyone else feel like we’re living in a fucking jungle ? What are we, savages ? Jesus Christ, when is this shameful, degrading, pitiful, ignorant and ignominious way of life going to stop! When is “death by lip gloss” going to end ?

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Spare me the agony

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It’s 1:10 and I am fucking bored ! I’ve been studying all day and I’m sick to my ass from this God-forsaken course called Medicine ! Who the fuck in their right mind would chose a major where studying is eternal ?! WHO ?! I’ll tell you who, idiots like me who want to make the world a better place, and for what ? As a doctor I have to solemnly swear to treat anyone in need of medical attention, with no preferences to likes or dislikes. Basically that means I could actually treat the person who would later on try to stab me in a dark alley. I don’t usually have a negative view towards my course but I’m just so pissed off at this system of studying that I don’t fucking care what I say about it! Studying medicine in Jordan is a fucking crime! The first 3 years of studying are basically sitting at home and memorizing written lectures. I’m supposed to grow up to be a doctor, a person who deals with human beings and disease every single day, and for the first 3 years they tell me that I’m not allowed to get in contact with patients. Who the fuck makes up these stupid rules, ha ! So I’m currently at a phase where I hate studying Medicine.

Let’s see, what else is on my list of bitching, hmm. Ahh yes, what’s up with the weather ? One second the sky’s pounding down pebble-sized ice chips and then next minute the sun comes out to play. I went out to see a friend and the weather was fucking perfect, just a tad bit cold and everything was great for a walk. Suddenly it starts pissing rain like there’s no tomorrow >_>. Apparently it’s going to rain on Friday, the day of my beloved concert! You better not ruin Friday for me dear Lord, I mean, please don’t ruin Friday for me dear lord..:$.

Another thing I’m really pissed off at is take out junk food >_>! Jesus Christ I’m so sick of eating fucking burgers ! It’s the same poison every single day garnished with a new wrapper. Burger King, McDonald’s and all that diddly squat…I want my mommy’s cooking back !!! 😦 I swear it’s true what they say that you never know the price of something till it’s gone ! Mom bidi malfoof mishan allah !! 😦

I’m done >_> I have to get back to studying anatomy … MEH!

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Filed under Bitching, Jordan, Life, Personal, Random thoughts, Shmal, Yameen-Shmal

Humam Ammari's suBarstar !

Exclusively on Yameen-Shmal (copyrights not included) we present the brand new awaited video of the one and only SUBAR STAR Humam Ammari.

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Kasak Ya Watan

Duraid Laham said it all, I don’t think there’s much left to add. I laughed, I cried and then I uttered…..” Biktob ismek ya bladi 3al shams il ma bit’3eeb….La mali wala wladi 3ala 7obek mafi 7abeeb…”

Dedicated to all the people who have lived their lives with closed eyes.

Dedicated to all of us out there with the dream. Long Live Palestine.

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Jordan and it's taboos

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The other day after my medical management exam, I was going home with 3 other friends in the car, when the guy who was driving gave me our university’s magazine (which had our King Abdullah II’s picture on the cover – celebrating his birthday) and asked me to check it out and read some articles aloud. I started flipping through the magazine and I couldn’t find anything interesting to read aloud ! Everything was either in arabic or messed up english, and the topics were bland and utterly undigestible!

Five minutes passed and I kept silent and my friend was like : “Dude! Read a fucking article already”. I got frustrated flipping the pages because I really couldn’t find something worth reading out loud. So I angrily replied  ” Ya zalameh el majale ZBALE !” and I put the magazine away. Suddenly the guys sitting in the back seat (who are native Jordanians from Saree7) looked at me strangely and were like : “Ya Shadi keef ibte7ki 3an el majale zbale, 3aleeha sooret el malek!”. I look back at the guy with one eyebrow up and I’m like “Huh ? What ? Sho 5as soret el malek bil majale ?”. He quickly ends the conversation and tells me he doesn’t want to discuss it.

Now I want to discuss it with everyone out there who reads my blog. What the flying fuck was he talking about ? So the magazine had our king as the front cover, that abolishes the criticism of the magazine as being garbage ? I’m sorry, but if everything that had the picture of the king was not meant to be criticized, then all the fucked up magazines out there would put a picture of the king on the font cover of every issue, and then if someone dares criticize the magazine as flawed, he’d report them in to the authorities.

It’s not just magazines, it’s everything! You’re not allowed to drop a coin on the floor because it has the picture of the king on it. I was walking down the street once and I was fiddling with a half-dinar coin, and it fell on the ground. These 2 bearded men stared at me and then approached me and were like : “Inte ibte3raf ino el nos lera eli waga3etha 3al ard 3aleeha soret el malek, ow heek 7arake mish mazboota ow bitheen el malek ?”. I was to shocked to even reply to them, and I just picked up the coin and walked away. Seriously, I know this country is very conservative regarding the king and we’re not supposed to say or do anything remotely close to offending his majesty but isn’t this taking things a little too far ? What’s next ? You’re not allowed to fold your paper bills into your wallet ?

Jordan and it’s weird ways, always entertaining 🙂 at least it makes good blog material.

Whoot.

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