Monthly Archives: April 2009

A letter to God

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Dear God,

I know everyone says that you made us all equal, but is that really true ? When I think about the 6+ billion people in this world, I see that the truth is far from that. Why is it that I live a life of comfort, where I share my ideas on a macintosh, whereas an “equal” human being in Africa gets bloated due to starvation and dies a few years after his birth ? Why am I able to eat excessively and throw the rest of my food away while that starving kid doesn’t know that food past stale bread and contaminated water exists ? Why ?

You all speak of equality among humans and yet none of you can prove it. We are not equals, we were never meant to be. Even amongst ourselves, in our own developed countries not suffering pandemics, we are not equals. We are born into our families, our religions, our socioeconomic status and our lives out of pure luck. Not equal, not fair, not anything close to either of those.

For the past 2 months I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. I have barely left the comfort of my house and sometimes even barely showered more than once a week. Why I am writing a letter to God, you may ask, is because I want to ask Him if things are going to be okay ? I want Him to show me a sign that even though we are not all born into comfortable habitats that we will all be “equal” at one point in time. Maybe when we go up to Heaven and are evaluated for our life. That’s still not fair ! If I was born into a habitat where I was forced to steal to stay alive, or kill another being to survive, then how does that make me look on my evaluation chart ? Not so good, no ? Again, more signals that show me we are not equal.

The real reason I am writing this letter, other than complaining if things are fair, is to seek myself. I’m lost in a world of depression, anxiety, constant stress and it’s getting worse by the day. Two people, tops, are going to respond to this email telling me to ” Cheer up” or ” It’ll pass”, and yeah, if you’re going to do that then please save your bandwith for a youtube comment.

When are we supposed to just give up ? Are we ever supposed to give up ? I’ve been known to go half way on many things in my life but those are things that I like for a few days and then stop liking. Example, learning Spanish or Graffiti painting. I never thought that I’d be at a point in my life where I would start doubting my career. My future I drew out as a very solid plan : become a great doctor, marry the girl you love and then live in Amman and take the wife out for dinner every other weekend. Never in my life would I have seen this day come where I would not give half a fuck about accomplishing the first obligation to my future : become a great doctor.

I have an exam that I’ve barely studied for and here I am writing a letter to God asking him to show me 1 small sign that’ll boost my morale and make me go study ! Why ? Are we supposed to sometimes fail in order to achieve greatness ? Are we supposed to fall into a ditch in order to learn how to climb out of one ? Can’t we just be aware of all the ditches and jump over them ? Why am I so afraid of failing at something ? I’ve lived my whole life either being looked up to, envied or pressured into being the best at everything I did. When I first came to college until now, even though I don’t achieve the best marks, I’m still always the guy labelled as the “nerd” or the “smart one”, and recently all I’ve been seeing myself as is a failure. I’ve failed to be the best, and it kills me.

Tears on both cheeks, I still ask God, why ? Why is it that I sit here at 12:07 AM on a Friday morning and not give a fuck about anything ? Why ?

10 Comments

Filed under Jordan, Music, Personal, Shmal, Song of the week, Yameen-Shmal

2 little things :)

First, so that’s #1, I want to apologize for the previous post but I really was somewhere near rock bottom. For those who got offended (I know 1 5alto who really did and I’m sorry), I send my apologies and only explain my previous post by : “Shit happens”.

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Secondly, that’s #2, I got a good laugh just a few minutes ago from my “Search Engine Terms” list. Apparently some guy person (yes I said person because I don’t want to be sexist – perverted girls exist too you know, we should give them a fair share) googled ” sex shmal ass ” and found our blog. Hahaha! Right when I’m struggling trying to study for next week’s CNS exam I get the best laugh in a week :). Life’s good.

* No electronics company (LG) was advertised during the writing of this post *

1 Comment

Filed under The start '09

F.U.C.K

Does it really matter ?

Seriously, each and everyone who reads this post should ask his/her self that question, does it really matter ? We live life according to a set of rules, governed by laws, fenced in like farm animals. Lies are the real thing that govern us all, and without lies our world would be nothing. ( FYI, I’m probably at the lowest point of my life and I don’t care what you think of this post ) Religion is a lie meant to make us all good little boys and girls, scared of our ultimate annihilation… we’re all going to die anyway idiots. Governments are bullshit wrapped in bullshit wrapped in sugar-coated bullshit that shrink our minds and restrain our freedoms. Ethics and morals don’t exist anymore because everyone is only concerned with their own well-being. ( If you say no to the previous statement you’ve probably done something in the past week that benefited yourself and annoyed others – think LONG and HARD, we’re all like that) Human are greedy by nature, greedy and selfish. We all want and seek that eternal happiness and eternal comfort that lies in getting everything we want and more, just in case we need more, which we always do.

Corruption. Another thing that our world is full of. No, it’s not just Jordan, it’s everywhere. Everywhere you go you will find bullshit, all over the fucking world. I hate everything and everyone right now and it’s because every damn day just keeps getting worseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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6 Comments

Filed under The start '09

Do I really have to think of a title right now??!

I know everyone goes through this at a point in their lives, but I know it’s different now, with me, because it’s not a phase, it hasn’t only been a few days, it doesn’t feel like it’s going away any time soon. So when is it normal? And when does it get too much? When do you just give in? And when do you fight back? I have no clue what to do, I’m not even sure I should be doing anything.

I am losing track of time. Sleeping in the daytime and staying up through the night, sometimes even for an entire day and not even knowing it until my phone rings and it’s time for me to shower (which at the time would be very important since I’d stink by then) get dressed and go to my lectures. I am falling asleep during studying, during working, sitting, even once while at a restaurant. Gaining weight. Getting lazier by the day, not getting out of bed even at times when I was so thirsty I needed to drink water. Not wanting to do anything, not wanting to see anyone, just not wanting anything. Actually yes there is something I want, I want to just sleep and wake up in a month or so. I’ve always wanted to do more, be more, be someone. Never wanted to just study and that’s it, always felt like that was the most normal thing ever, the least expected thing from a person my age, I always wanted to do more, and now I’m barely doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Home works – late and probably not complete, projects – late and stupid and not me at all, exams – not finishing the material and probably starting the night before the exam. No life at all, and when I get the chance I am so not in the mood, if I stay at home I’d sit and watch meaningless TV and not even care to change the channel when I want to watch something else. If I go out when I have a bit of time then I’m always angry and hysterical and wanting to go home early.

Always mad, always angry, always feeling like shit, not because of one thing in particular, just mad at the world and everything in it. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, I should be mad at myself, and I am, but I’m more or less blaming it on the world :D. One thing that is easier for me than for other people might be the pretending. I’m not saying that I’m the kind of person who pretends to be someone she’s not no, but I learnt a long time ago that what’s inside should be kept inside. Emotions should be stepped on in order for the person to survive on this planet with these people. And so I don’t think many people know of this, God forbid you go to university with a frown, or even better without a smile, for you’ll hear all kinds of things. “Dina shiklek mish 3ajebni il yom”, “Dina sho fi? Malek ishi??” eh! I am entitled to not be all happy jumping up and down for the sight of these people I have to deal with everyday. I think this kind of pretending is ok, not like the other kinds at all. I hate the other kinds, I think you have to know 10 people to find one who is not a pretender. One pretender likes your shirt, the other loves your project, the third one adores your necklace and the forth cares why you’re not coming to “Bus Tour”, because you know I’d die to see Tawfiq Al Sa6el or whoever it is.

I get sooo pissed at times, I get told that I let such things get to me more than I should and if I get pissed at stuff like that all the time then I’d stay pissed my entire life. I don’t care if I stay pissed, I think I’m starting to not care as much anymore, the attitude of 5osho b6eezi is taking over me. My laptop got stuck and turned off and restarted and did all kinds of things like 5 times already while I was writing this, some time ago I would have smacked it on the wall and jumped up and down on it, or at least swore at it and called it every bad word I knew. Nowadays I’m just out of energy.  I just turned it back on every time and retyped the part I lost since I saved last.

I wonder sometimes if this it how it’ll always be, because maybe I made some bad choices in my life, or maybe some bad things chose me, or maybe this is how things are and that’s it. Sometimes I hate it, I fight, I try, I plan, I think, I want more. But most of the time, it’s me giving up, letting go, going to bed, waiting, waiting for the change to come on its own, oh how good we are when it comes to giving advice to other people, and how bad we are when it comes to giving that same advice to ourselves.

 

See you soon

 

 

 

 

3 Comments

Filed under Bitching, Jordan, Life, Personal, Random thoughts, Yameen

I miss

Living in Jordan has it’s ups and downs, and lately for me it’s been more down than up. Sitting in my bed right after my 26th driving lesson (mishan allah 5alas bikafi lessons I want my damn license!), I was just thinking of all the different things I miss whether it’s from a younger age or from my present life. Here are some of the things I really quite miss :

  • I miss being a kid, responsible free.
  • I miss mom, and the warmth she used to bring.
  • I miss high school.
  • I miss Jordan, or how it used to be.
  • I miss Yameen :(.
  • I miss my older brother Abe, and how his laughter used to fill the house and the streets. (Yes, he was THAT loud).
  • I miss my friends, my real friends. Mostly my best friend Joshua and his stinky farts and loud burps and embarrassing situations he used to put us in.
  • I miss playing the guitar and learning new songs on it.
  • I miss running with my iPod for hours on end.
  • I miss Cotton Candy.
  • I miss stealing money from my parents.
  • I miss studying for the knowledge and not just to pass an insignificant test.
  • I miss playing basketball every single day.
  • I miss my 5 hour late night phone calls with her.
  • I miss drawing stuff.
  • I miss not being miserable all the time.
  • I miss not fighting with everyone and everything.
  • I miss being Shadi.

8 Comments

Filed under Bitching, Driving, Jordan, Life, Personal, Random thoughts, Shmal

The Royal Rainbow.

 I miss blogging :(. I just can’t find the time really, it sucks :s.  I’ve been feeling so down lately, yesterday I was downstairs at teta’s house and my brother called me from upstairs and was like DINAA DINAAA come hereee. My brother is known for these kind of moves where he asks me to go where he is just to show me something stupid, but I  needed a way out of a situation so I was like ohh my brother is calling my name it must be important let me go. LOL. Anyway, I ran upstairs, and this is what he showed me  :)….160420094183 160420094172

It was amazing, this is my second real rainbow hehe, all the others were somewhere on my bathroom wall or something stupid like that. But this one, ahh this one was biggggggg and amazing, and it came right out of Le Royal Hotel.

Speaking of rainbows, I was eating Skittles the other day, the normal ones and the sour ones all at once lol -Thank you Shmal for that :)- and I got an amazing idea. I am challenging Shmal with this, to write his name in such a creative way, and you guys get to choose which one was more creative and looks nicer, and that person wins, ANNDDD takes the other person out for dinner hehe :p.

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What do you think ?

9 Comments

Filed under Life, Random thoughts, Yameen

Annoy me, please

In the past week I’ve gotten into more arguments than the accumulated 3 years that I’ve lived in this country. In celebration of the worst week of my life, here is a list of the most ANNOYING habits that makes us who we are : Jordanians.

  1. The inability to line up in a straight line to wait for anything, and I mean ANYTHING!
  2. The inability to press the little button on the taxi meter that says “start”, in hope of gaining an extra 25 piaster.
  3. The constant use of the car horn, that immensely exceeds the necessary use of turn signals.
  4. The awesome ability for guys to create a fight that starts off with : “Why did you look at me?”.
  5. The fact that if you don’t know how to eat mansaf properly, you’re not Jordanian.
  6. Honor killings.
  7. The non-existence of sexual education in schools that leads to :
  8. Throwing babies into trash cans.
  9. Excessively priced gyms – Fitness First – that serve no extra purpose whatsoever than a normal gym.
  10. The 6000+ idiots that enjoyed watching as a girl tried to kill herself, half of which were only concerned how the video quality would look on YouTube.
  11. The oh-so-dramatic girl who had to call a news station to tell them she was going to jump off a building. (You want to kill yourself dear just overdose on some opioid).
  12. The 16% tax.
  13. The fact that stores never put the price after tax but rather lure you with the pre-taxed price and have a tiny note at the bottom of the poster saying : “Tax not included”.
  14. The fact that Orange mobile has a 4% “special” tax to the added 16% tax on my iPhone bill.
  15. This stupid fucking confusing weather and seasonal pattern – is it winter ? spring ? summer ? WHAT!
  16. The fact that this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on…

7 Comments

Filed under The start '09