Monthly Archives: April 2009

A letter to God

god

Dear God,

I know everyone says that you made us all equal, but is that really true ? When I think about the 6+ billion people in this world, I see that the truth is far from that. Why is it that I live a life of comfort, where I share my ideas on a macintosh, whereas an “equal” human being in Africa gets bloated due to starvation and dies a few years after his birth ? Why am I able to eat excessively and throw the rest of my food away while that starving kid doesn’t know that food past stale bread and contaminated water exists ? Why ?

You all speak of equality among humans and yet none of you can prove it. We are not equals, we were never meant to be. Even amongst ourselves, in our own developed countries not suffering pandemics, we are not equals. We are born into our families, our religions, our socioeconomic status and our lives out of pure luck. Not equal, not fair, not anything close to either of those.

For the past 2 months I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. I have barely left the comfort of my house and sometimes even barely showered more than once a week. Why I am writing a letter to God, you may ask, is because I want to ask Him if things are going to be okay ? I want Him to show me a sign that even though we are not all born into comfortable habitats that we will all be “equal” at one point in time. Maybe when we go up to Heaven and are evaluated for our life. That’s still not fair ! If I was born into a habitat where I was forced to steal to stay alive, or kill another being to survive, then how does that make me look on my evaluation chart ? Not so good, no ? Again, more signals that show me we are not equal.

The real reason I am writing this letter, other than complaining if things are fair, is to seek myself. I’m lost in a world of depression, anxiety, constant stress and it’s getting worse by the day. Two people, tops, are going to respond to this email telling me to ” Cheer up” or ” It’ll pass”, and yeah, if you’re going to do that then please save your bandwith for a youtube comment.

When are we supposed to just give up ? Are we ever supposed to give up ? I’ve been known to go half way on many things in my life but those are things that I like for a few days and then stop liking. Example, learning Spanish or Graffiti painting. I never thought that I’d be at a point in my life where I would start doubting my career. My future I drew out as a very solid plan : become a great doctor, marry the girl you love and then live in Amman and take the wife out for dinner every other weekend. Never in my life would I have seen this day come where I would not give half a fuck about accomplishing the first obligation to my future : become a great doctor.

I have an exam that I’ve barely studied for and here I am writing a letter to God asking him to show me 1 small sign that’ll boost my morale and make me go study ! Why ? Are we supposed to sometimes fail in order to achieve greatness ? Are we supposed to fall into a ditch in order to learn how to climb out of one ? Can’t we just be aware of all the ditches and jump over them ? Why am I so afraid of failing at something ? I’ve lived my whole life either being looked up to, envied or pressured into being the best at everything I did. When I first came to college until now, even though I don’t achieve the best marks, I’m still always the guy labelled as the “nerd” or the “smart one”, and recently all I’ve been seeing myself as is a failure. I’ve failed to be the best, and it kills me.

Tears on both cheeks, I still ask God, why ? Why is it that I sit here at 12:07 AM on a Friday morning and not give a fuck about anything ? Why ?

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