I know everyone goes through this at a point in their lives, but I know it’s different now, with me, because it’s not a phase, it hasn’t only been a few days, it doesn’t feel like it’s going away any time soon. So when is it normal? And when does it get too much? When do you just give in? And when do you fight back? I have no clue what to do, I’m not even sure I should be doing anything.
I am losing track of time. Sleeping in the daytime and staying up through the night, sometimes even for an entire day and not even knowing it until my phone rings and it’s time for me to shower (which at the time would be very important since I’d stink by then) get dressed and go to my lectures. I am falling asleep during studying, during working, sitting, even once while at a restaurant. Gaining weight. Getting lazier by the day, not getting out of bed even at times when I was so thirsty I needed to drink water. Not wanting to do anything, not wanting to see anyone, just not wanting anything. Actually yes there is something I want, I want to just sleep and wake up in a month or so. I’ve always wanted to do more, be more, be someone. Never wanted to just study and that’s it, always felt like that was the most normal thing ever, the least expected thing from a person my age, I always wanted to do more, and now I’m barely doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Home works – late and probably not complete, projects – late and stupid and not me at all, exams – not finishing the material and probably starting the night before the exam. No life at all, and when I get the chance I am so not in the mood, if I stay at home I’d sit and watch meaningless TV and not even care to change the channel when I want to watch something else. If I go out when I have a bit of time then I’m always angry and hysterical and wanting to go home early.
Always mad, always angry, always feeling like shit, not because of one thing in particular, just mad at the world and everything in it. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, I should be mad at myself, and I am, but I’m more or less blaming it on the world :D. One thing that is easier for me than for other people might be the pretending. I’m not saying that I’m the kind of person who pretends to be someone she’s not no, but I learnt a long time ago that what’s inside should be kept inside. Emotions should be stepped on in order for the person to survive on this planet with these people. And so I don’t think many people know of this, God forbid you go to university with a frown, or even better without a smile, for you’ll hear all kinds of things. “Dina shiklek mish 3ajebni il yom”, “Dina sho fi? Malek ishi??” eh! I am entitled to not be all happy jumping up and down for the sight of these people I have to deal with everyday. I think this kind of pretending is ok, not like the other kinds at all. I hate the other kinds, I think you have to know 10 people to find one who is not a pretender. One pretender likes your shirt, the other loves your project, the third one adores your necklace and the forth cares why you’re not coming to “Bus Tour”, because you know I’d die to see Tawfiq Al Sa6el or whoever it is.
I get sooo pissed at times, I get told that I let such things get to me more than I should and if I get pissed at stuff like that all the time then I’d stay pissed my entire life. I don’t care if I stay pissed, I think I’m starting to not care as much anymore, the attitude of 5osho b6eezi is taking over me. My laptop got stuck and turned off and restarted and did all kinds of things like 5 times already while I was writing this, some time ago I would have smacked it on the wall and jumped up and down on it, or at least swore at it and called it every bad word I knew. Nowadays I’m just out of energy. I just turned it back on every time and retyped the part I lost since I saved last.
I wonder sometimes if this it how it’ll always be, because maybe I made some bad choices in my life, or maybe some bad things chose me, or maybe this is how things are and that’s it. Sometimes I hate it, I fight, I try, I plan, I think, I want more. But most of the time, it’s me giving up, letting go, going to bed, waiting, waiting for the change to come on its own, oh how good we are when it comes to giving advice to other people, and how bad we are when it comes to giving that same advice to ourselves.
See you soon