A letter to God


Dear God,

I know everyone says that you made us all equal, but is that really true ? When I think about the 6+ billion people in this world, I see that the truth is far from that. Why is it that I live a life of comfort, where I share my ideas on a macintosh, whereas an “equal” human being in Africa gets bloated due to starvation and dies a few years after his birth ? Why am I able to eat excessively and throw the rest of my food away while that starving kid doesn’t know that food past stale bread and contaminated water exists ? Why ?

You all speak of equality among humans and yet none of you can prove it. We are not equals, we were never meant to be. Even amongst ourselves, in our own developed countries not suffering pandemics, we are not equals. We are born into our families, our religions, our socioeconomic status and our lives out of pure luck. Not equal, not fair, not anything close to either of those.

For the past 2 months I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. I have barely left the comfort of my house and sometimes even barely showered more than once a week. Why I am writing a letter to God, you may ask, is because I want to ask Him if things are going to be okay ? I want Him to show me a sign that even though we are not all born into comfortable habitats that we will all be “equal” at one point in time. Maybe when we go up to Heaven and are evaluated for our life. That’s still not fair ! If I was born into a habitat where I was forced to steal to stay alive, or kill another being to survive, then how does that make me look on my evaluation chart ? Not so good, no ? Again, more signals that show me we are not equal.

The real reason I am writing this letter, other than complaining if things are fair, is to seek myself. I’m lost in a world of depression, anxiety, constant stress and it’s getting worse by the day. Two people, tops, are going to respond to this email telling me to ” Cheer up” or ” It’ll pass”, and yeah, if you’re going to do that then please save your bandwith for a youtube comment.

When are we supposed to just give up ? Are we ever supposed to give up ? I’ve been known to go half way on many things in my life but those are things that I like for a few days and then stop liking. Example, learning Spanish or Graffiti painting. I never thought that I’d be at a point in my life where I would start doubting my career. My future I drew out as a very solid plan : become a great doctor, marry the girl you love and then live in Amman and take the wife out for dinner every other weekend. Never in my life would I have seen this day come where I would not give half a fuck about accomplishing the first obligation to my future : become a great doctor.

I have an exam that I’ve barely studied for and here I am writing a letter to God asking him to show me 1 small sign that’ll boost my morale and make me go study ! Why ? Are we supposed to sometimes fail in order to achieve greatness ? Are we supposed to fall into a ditch in order to learn how to climb out of one ? Can’t we just be aware of all the ditches and jump over them ? Why am I so afraid of failing at something ? I’ve lived my whole life either being looked up to, envied or pressured into being the best at everything I did. When I first came to college until now, even though I don’t achieve the best marks, I’m still always the guy labelled as the “nerd” or the “smart one”, and recently all I’ve been seeing myself as is a failure. I’ve failed to be the best, and it kills me.

Tears on both cheeks, I still ask God, why ? Why is it that I sit here at 12:07 AM on a Friday morning and not give a fuck about anything ? Why ?


Filed under Jordan, Music, Personal, Shmal, Song of the week, Yameen-Shmal

10 responses to “A letter to God

  1. the BFF

    well obviously i’d wanna say cheer up u sobbing lil bitch.. but nah.. i get wat ur saying.. and well.. i dont really understand wats wrong with u.. cuz one.. u never talk to me anymore.. two.. ur always complaining.. u have a great degree in ur hands.. the most beautiful person anyone can ever lay eyes on.. friends with so much moral support coming out their ass to help u out.. and yet u sit in the corner of ur room.. crying.. and guess what.. i’ve been there.. and im there now.. ur not alone.. ❤

  2. Helo…^^
    This is soo out of the topic fr this blogpost, but I just wanted to give thumbs up for a very good blog!! I will come back many more times..=)

    Cicci in sweden

  3. Well shaml life just sucks most of the time, it does, it sucks. But you gotta keep going. Take it day by day and don’t think too much about the future. First think of that exam, then think about the next day and so on and so forth and before you know it a year passes.

    You know what helps me to unsuck my life? Set fun projects to do. Like scuba diving, set that as a goal for this summer, book a trip to Aqaba and do it!

    And if none of that works you can always take a vacation or a break from school 😀 .

  4. I am actually setting a small goal of attending the Distant Heat thingy this summer alongside Yameen, hopefully that’ll be tons of fun :D.
    It was kinda hard taking day by day when I wrote this post last night cause I was really depressed but now things have unsucked 😀 thanks a bunch :).
    How are the kids ?

  5. Glad to hear things are better 🙂 .

    I need a pep talk today man, it’s one of those days.

    The kids are great. Happy and healthy :).

  6. It’s always one of those days, what seems to be the problem today 🙂 do share.

  7. Deena

    Of course the world is not fair. It is not meant to be ‘given’ to us fair.
    the whole challange in life is transforming inequality into egalitarianism. Creating a life that is fair, is just, and worth living, for everyone.

    Having said that, if God does answer you, please forward me his reply :).

  8. Can’t blame you for wanting to give up.

    Life isn’t very inspiring especially when you have a shitload of stress.

    When are we supposed to give up?

    It’s up to you. One knows the consequences of his actions.
    It’s a matter of choice.
    You either do or you don’t.
    So you can mope about things or block out all the negatives from the shithole and from crappy idiotic people who choose to focus on others rather than themselves, or bringing others down rather than bringing themselves up.

    I think the best way to be the best is to ignore people and only give to those who are good enough to give you back.
    Good friends and all that, I dunno if that made sense to you, but I think that you really should give yourself a pat on the back and a hug for being where you are now.

    If you ask me I say don’t give up, coz it would be quite a bitch when you have nothing to do, really.
    Nothing to make you whine but having nothing to do.

    We all get enough of stress at some point, and we should just carry on and be honest to ourselves at the end of it.

    What happens happens.

    I don’t wanna sound like I’m some dude telling you what to do, but I think that you should try your best, and what happens happens it will work out.

    It’s life, it won’t pass until you pass.

    We’re always gonna struggle, and that’s what balances you out.
    After a long battle with stress you have right now you would just lay back and relax and enjoy your time until the next battle.

    Fuck it man dowhat you want and kick ass!
    Keep your soul alive and you’ll be fine I think.

    Seeing this post you can see that you have quite a soul there.

    It does suck when you know that you’re blessed, yet you just feel like you don’t appreciate it though you actually do.
    I honestly dunno what it is that causes that.
    I could blame Jordan, hell, a lot of the blame is on the people around this country.

    Fuck them all.

    Do what you want, even IF you fail, you can always fix it.
    Life doesn’t just end if you’re still breathing.

    You can always get better.
    Maybe not in Jordan, but you can help yourself no matter what happens.

    I dunno if my rant made sense.

    But fuck them all and you just do whatever the hell you wanna do, chmal.
    After a powerful downer you kinda need that little push to get you back to kicking ass.

    It’ll balance out (see I didn’t say it’ll pass muahahaha)

    yalla bye dude

  9. Deena : God did reply. He replied 20 years ago when I was born and blessed me with many, many things. Now I have to thank Him and use what I was blessed with for the good of everyone, maybe someday I can change the life of those who I see life unfairly.
    Saed : I read your reply in class and it put a smile on my face. You sound like you know what I’m going through and probably many people have thought the same way. The people who don’t give up live on to tell the story of their success and I have to realize that, day after day, till I get to a point where I see the glass half full and not half empty. When I get there, you’ll be the first to know how I did it :). Christ, maybe I’ll even write a book about it =P. Thanks for the cheer up dude :D.
    Lots of love.

  10. Zeina

    2nd year in uni I reached the same point, just 2 weeks prior to the finals. I wanted to drop uni and get married :D. (not like there was someone proposing, neither i was in a relation, lol) Till now I have no idea why the hell I had that thought of dropping out. I was never a quitter and easy things never grabbed my attention. Maybe it was due to insecurity, lack of self-confidence at that time, lack of motivation, absence of a goal (as in, something to achieve and an aim for my whole life) or maybe it was the lack of competition eno no challenge.

    After 3 years now, I hold a B.S in biochem as i graduated last summer. Don’t know why I’m sharing this, many things going through my mind at this moment. Thoughts rush .. I guess my brain is having an orgasm now :D.

    tayyeb.. what I wanted to say in the first place is that never think you’re a failure, we all get weak moments, where we become extra-emotional and vulnerable.. and to think about it, it is actually amazing. These feelings only show that we are humans, we are not robots, and it shows that we care. We care for being better humans. Look for the bright side, if u don’t care about something then u’d never feel stressed abt accomplishing it. That is self motivation, it is what keeps u going and working harder till you get ur self-satisfaction. (I’m not preaching what I don’t practice, when I’m stressed or if I’m down, I keep telling myself that this is only a phase and things will get better.. I know it is not easy, and i wish things change instantly 😦 but eventually they will, always have faith in the future and in urself)

    Loosing interest in things is normal, it’s a way to reveal what we are passionate about. It’s like math, trial and error, u’ll need to try a couple of things until u know what it is that u want to spend ur life working on. This differs from giving up on something. When u give up, u’ll sediment to the bottom, then u r dead. There is nothing to work for. You’ll start dieing slowly, loosing interest in life and in ppl, then u’ll be convinced that life is absurd and it’s a waste ==> never ever get to that point.
    You’re a good person, eno ur frnds love u..even if i know nothing else abt u this would be enough.

    Add to that, whatever ur goal is, u should enjoy ur way getting there. U wanna be a great Dr. that does not happen overnight u know, u’ve chosen the longest and the hardest career path :D.. but life is not only about reaching our goals, mainly its about the journey itself. Think positively and u’ll attract positive thoughts, its like laughing eno try to be sad while laughing. It’s physically impossible.

    Those fucked up, confusing emotions are solely due to hormones. It’s your body’s way of complaining about physical fatigue and mental stress.

    read this article it sums up the whole stress-depression thing.

    As for why we are not equal, I will comment on that in another post of urs 😀
    till then stay safe and stress free 😉

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