For the first day since the start of this vacation, I spent yesterday without an internet connection. I slept out of the house and had nothing but a sofa-bed and my “no service” iPhone with me. For the first time also, since the start of this vacation, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I’m an extremely fast sleeper, it usually takes me less than a few minutes to fall asleep but for some reason, I had so many thoughts on my mind last night that I literally banged my head telling myself to stop thinking, but I couldn’t. I jotted some notes down on my phone, notes of self-motivation, notes to get me through the night.
It took me 4 hours to sleep, 4 hours of thinking that I can’t possibly share everything in one post, so I’ll start off with the first idea that I struggled with, namely: “Identity Crisis”.
I recently passed my last 2 subjects of my 3rd year of medicine [I think I passed psychiatry but my idiotic university website won’t facking open!] and have officially become a clinical med student. The next three years will consist of a critical transformation from a student into a physician and will require the upmost dedication from me. As much as that idea excites me it scares me even more. It scares me because I know that for the next 3 years I will do almost nothing but become a doctor. My entire life, I have been passionate about so many things, I can’t imagine just becoming one thing. I’m passionate about music and playing the guitar and now I know I can barely pick up Margaret again [guitars are girls!]. I’m passionate about basketball and the other day at the courts I almost passed out after playing the first game. I’m such a social person and the reason I fell in love with Amman this summer was because of the massive amount of activities that I took part in, concerts I went to and people I met. I met bloggers, musicians, co-workers, friends. Now I know that even though I have time to do things that I want on the weekends and what not, I will be dedicated to meeting more physicians, medical students and people of my field of work. I’m passionate about one girl, and I wonder how much time I’ll have to give for her. I’m passionate about changing my look every month, and now I know I have to look professional 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Thought racing in my mind for the first hour, confusing and re-arranging plans and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Is it possible to be a professional and good physician and still have all those things I want? Still be all those things I want to be? Still be able to be the same person I am now. I know I’m going to become a more responsible, more independent man but at the expense of what?
I don’t want to make this post any longer because then most of you would be too lazy to read it, but I believe the above questions are more than enough to make everyone think ahead. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Where are you going to end up in 10 years? What plans do you have now that you know you’re going to have to give up?
” As much as it hurts I will not give up. Not on you, not on me and certainly not on us.”