Thoughts on the sofa-bed : Part I

For the first day since the start of this vacation, I spent yesterday without an internet connection. I slept out of the house and had nothing but a sofa-bed and my “no service” iPhone with me. For the first time also, since the start of this vacation, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I’m an extremely fast sleeper, it usually takes me less than a few minutes to fall asleep but for some reason, I had so many thoughts on my mind last night that I literally banged my head telling myself to stop thinking, but I couldn’t. I jotted some notes down on my phone, notes of self-motivation, notes to get me through the night.

It took me 4 hours to sleep, 4 hours of thinking that I can’t possibly share everything in one post, so I’ll start off with the first idea that I struggled with, namely: “Identity Crisis”.


I recently passed my last 2 subjects of my 3rd year of medicine [I think I passed psychiatry but my idiotic university website won’t facking open!] and have officially become a clinical med student. The next three years will consist of a critical transformation from a student into a physician and will require the upmost dedication from me. As much as that idea excites me it scares me even more. It scares me because I know that for the next 3 years I will do almost nothing but become a doctor. My entire life, I have been passionate about so many things, I can’t imagine just becoming one thing. I’m passionate about music and playing the guitar and now I know I can barely pick up Margaret again [guitars are girls!]. I’m passionate about basketball and the other day at the courts I almost passed out after playing the first game. I’m such a social person and the reason I fell in love with Amman this summer was because of the massive amount of activities that I took part in, concerts I went to and people I met. I met bloggers, musicians, co-workers, friends. Now I know that even though I have time to do things that I want on the weekends and what not, I will be dedicated to meeting more physicians, medical students and people of my field of work. I’m passionate about one girl, and I wonder how much time I’ll have to give for her. I’m passionate about changing my look every month, and now I know I have to look professional 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Thought racing in my mind for the first hour, confusing and re-arranging plans and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Is it possible to be a professional and good physician and still have all those things I want? Still be all those things I want to be? Still be able to be the same person I am now. I know I’m going to become a more responsible, more independent man but at the expense of what?

I don’t want to make this post any longer because then most of you would be too lazy to read it, but I believe the above questions are more than enough to make everyone think ahead. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Where are you going to end up in 10 years? What plans do you have now that you know you’re going to have to give up?

” As much as it hurts I will not give up. Not on you, not on me and certainly not on us.”


Filed under Life, Personal, Random thoughts

15 responses to “Thoughts on the sofa-bed : Part I

  1. Wesam

    I just love this post 🙂
    It actually made me think ahead .
    To be honest with you , I don’t know . I don’t know if you or I or anyone else will remain the same person or will still have time to do all they want .

    You may have to change many things in your life , for example , YOUR LOOK !! But you don’t always have to look that way .
    You just have to look professional when you work and we all know , you won’t spend all of your time in the university or at work .
    You have to become more responsible OFCOURSE and more careful of your actions and the consequences of them ,
    But , I think that if you manage your time and everything else , you can still have time to do whatever you want and STILL be the Shadi you are now 🙂

  2. Wesam

    I can’t really tell you where I see myself in 10 years because I don’t even know where will I be next year 😥

  3. Everyone seems to have a problem with my beard >_> I’m NOT shaving it dammit!
    Wesam, when you find out where you will be next year, all the advice I can give you is live that life/place to the fullest.

  4. Eddy

    absolutely amazing man, great points, awesome writing, man that makes a joker start thinking seriously… good one mate, well done, absolutely love it.. take care

  5. .. and here my dreams -of not thinking and doing something shallow- are gone with the wind!
    Powerful post Shudz! Not what I requested! :/
    Still I’m not gonna discuss it now! 😛

    BTW keep the beard, I love it xD

  6. great post Shadi. for the first time it is apparent that you have an aptitude for thinking.

    I have to say, though, that yes, it’s possible. you just need to prioritize your passions and practice good time management. School should come first, and the rest in moderation would be still enjoyable. Three years isn’t a long time, if you’re planning the next ten.

  7. Ali

    Guitars are girls << Now that's a good remark shadi.

    I usually fall asleep fast as well, But believe you me some nights i end up not sleeping at all just from thinking, I have thoughts about the future and past events, Sometimes i see the bright side and other times i start weeping like a freaking baby, But i always tell myself, Live your life day by day, Because believe me shadi, Thinking of the future is a headache i rather avoid.

  8. Ah, I wish to do medicine after graduating from Biomed. Really, I don’t care what I sacrifice. It’s something I’ve wanted to do, and hope to do. I don’t mind giving up on people, my look, the fun for the sake of it. At the moment, a career in the medical field, to me, is far more important. But perhaps in a few years I’ll realise it was a mistake? … Unless, of course, I shit my biomed exams and don’t get into medicine at all. Which seems highly likely.

  9. the BFF


    10 years i see myself with a badge.. a gun.. and having people respecting me.. i’ll be happily married and best of all.. i’m gonna have my bff there smoking joints with me after work in the living room while the wives gossip about their week

  10. Eddy: I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Wait for the next parts, they might be even better.

    Zeina: I was trying to fix my beard and I screwed it up, so I went for a goatee. Mish tabee3i el 3ein! We’ll talk about this and your post later, tell me when you’re online.

    Mab3oos: Time management is something I constantly struggle with, but I will try. Finally I get a positive comment from mab3oos, wohoo.

    Ali: Guitars ARE girls! I try not to think of the past because it’s over and there’s not point crying over spilt milk. Thinking of the future can be a headache but on some occasions it is quite necessary. I know I said in a previous post that we should all concentrate on the present because it’s what we are, but one can’t but think of where he sees himself a few years from now.

    Numerator: Good luck in your biomed exams dude, have hope and always be optimistic. “I don’t mind giving up” isn’t what’s going to happen. It’s going to be more like “I’m going to have to give up”. When you start a career in the medical field you take a vow to live your life for other people, to help make the sick feel better and help make the world a better place. It’s not an easy career and that’s the reason I keep thinking about leaving everything else behind. Good luck with your studies man, glad the uni problem worked out.

    BFF: Those annoying wives of ours :P. I shall not be smoking because I’ve given that up but a nice cold beer sounds good. The law demands respect, good luck assface.

  11. So I’m having an off day right now… not many things to say or discuss…

    But I can’t tell you how many times a day these thoughts cross my head.

    I don’t see myself in 10 years :\

    I hope to, though.

  12. 3azeezi Shadi, there comes a time in everybody’s life where he has to sacrifice and compromise. Your career is the toughest of all; it needs full dedication and concentration, since you will be responsible for the lives of people! You have a constant non-ending research to do to keep updated to the latest breaks in medicine, technology and new treatment regimes! It’s hard; it’ll need all your devotion, not only as a student but as a physician too!
    BUT, thinking about things always makes them look harder and unattainable! Life’s is like a flowing river with varying speeds, there will be obstacles, there will be falls.. But it will never seize to flow. And it flows smoother than we think, and mainly all those complications are in our heads!!
    I have always wanted to study fine arts in Uni, I saw myself within 10 years a known artist, with many exhibitions. I saw myself touring Europe with my canvas and paints :D. But my dad died when I was a senior in high school, then I decided to study Biochemistry! Something more serious, something that will get me a better, well paid job. I was stupid then, since what seemed a problem back then is not a problem now! I thought I’m making a compromise then, I postponed my plan for the sake of the family. A compromise that was never needed. Though I don’t regret it since I’m also passionate about my major in uni. But I never quit painting, and I will have my own exhibition ;). In 10 years your perspectives might change, new passions will arise as new goals will be drawn as the old ones will be attained.

    Don’t get stressed about what MIGHT or MIGHT NOT happen. Enjoy the moment, live the present.
    Never quit a passion, this is who you are! Your other passions widens your horizon, gives new perspectives on things. I believe that a person specialized in one thing, would definitely grow a better knowledge about it. But that would hinder him from experiencing his other potentials, from living life to the fullest. A unique passion or specialty would create a narrow minded person, focused on one topic, instead of a person with knowledge and wider experience.

    You can do whatever you want! I know a doctor who is a professional piano player. He makes concerts and everything!

    About your looks, well, getting a serious look is changing looks ;).
    And who had told you to look professional you have to look dull, don’t give up on fashion :P.

    Now what you don’t accomplish in the first 10 years, you’ll do in the second 10 years. It’s never too late!
    Never let the mainstream swap you or get you down!
    Never let life engulf you!! You, my dear, are bigger than life! You engulf life!

    Imagine this! After 10 years my friend and I are having a drink at some café.
    -Zeina: You know Shadi Haddad?
    -The friend: Isn’t he the dr. with the ever changing weird looks?
    -Zeina: Hahaha! Yep that’s him.
    -The friend: I heard he’s having a fund-raising concert for “whatever disease exits then”.
    -Zeina: True, you wanna come?! I have a VIP stage access.
    -The friend *green with envy*: Ah, you’re good friends then!
    -Zeina: Yep, I’ve known him since he was a whining med student! :P:P

  13. :S Now I saw Your reply, and all other comments :/
    Ana sebet your beard b l 3ein cause I want one for myself loooooool.

  14. KJ

    Welcome to mai world!

    You can do all these things if you prioritize and have good time management like mab3oos said. Sadly in the UAE our lives are dictated by which are of the city we live in and the accompanying traffic

  15. ahmed

    shadi this is such a good writing.

    i always try to think about my future as a doctor but i can’t see further than graduation. i absolutely have no idea what i am going to do after that.

    maybe i don’t have much activities like you, but i will miss my lazy life.

    I’m so excited about the clinical level, hoping it will be more interesting than the last three years 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s