Time travel


I frantically twist and turn the knobs on my control panel, my palms sweating like the back of a marathon runner, not sure what year to forward or go back to. A spark I want to rekindle, a memory I wish to relive. A future I long to see, a scalpel I wish to hold.

big_red_button

I remember a simpler time, a time when my biggest fear was my upcoming mathematics test, a gigantic table of numbers multiplied, divided and complexed in a way only God knew was possible. I remember a time of GI-joe action figures, power ranger lunch boxes and fighting over who got possession of the football in my school’s playground. Like I said, a simpler time, when we were scraping elbows and eating dirt.

I look now at a more complicated time, an uglier time. I see friendships no longer being made by sharing candy bars, relationships destroyed by morals unfolded and life stomping the crap out of you. I see bullies not stealing your lunch money, but stealing your dignity. I see people with power, once then your English teacher sending you off to detention, now humiliating you and ransacking you of your dreams. I see competition turn into feuds, it’s every man for himself. I look now and chills runs down my spine, where have I ended up in?

My hands shiver now, setting the dials to 10 years back. I want to kick the ball around, fall on my chin and go to the nurses office, have her stick a Scooby-Doo band-aid on the cut and go right back out only to find it gone a few minutes later, my shirt all bloody from the habit that drove mom crazy, wiping my face with my sleeve. I want to call Hisham, my cousin who I spent hours on the phone with, either copying or giving homework to. I want to call Dina, tell her to get her coloring book tomorrow cause the teacher said we’re going to draw and color in class. I want to fall asleep at 8 p.m, while watching re-runs on cartoon network. I want mom to take me out of my school clothes, the white bloody t-shirt and the grey pants, which I never took off after coming home from school, tuck me in bed and kiss my forehead.

But I don’t press the big red button on the control panel, a drop of sweat now running off my palm and on to it. My life-long competition with my cousin Hisham turned me into his enemy. Dina’s married :). I don’t watch TV anymore. My mom’s back in Dubai, I get to see her twice a year.

I still wipe my face with my sleeve…

I wipe the drop of sweat off, making sure not to press the big red button, and I turn the dials 10 years forward from today. Here’s where I don’t see everything clearly. I see shades of a clinic or a hospital. I see the outlines of a man in a suit. I see a wall with certificates, too hazy to tell the writings. I see people waiting on rugged remains of chairs. I see kids scurrying around, following each other. I see something, yet I don’t see it clearly.

It scares me, yet it intrigues me. It makes me think, believe and have hope yet it makes my hands sweat even more, circles of sweat now form around my arm pits. I feel a bead trickle down my back and pop on the elastic band of my briefs. I feel a rush, a glimmer of light and once again, the button I do not push.

I live my life in the present, as I sit in the time machine looking backward and forward on what could and what can be. I life my life now to the fullest, lessons learnt, feuds put aside, hatred buried and dreams in the making. I work, study, eat and thrive. I play, for Johnny is not a dull boy. I settle my past, now engraved in stone, I cannot alter who I was. I long for my future, yet I think little of it for my hammer and burin cannot draw forward in time.

The light now glistens off my forehead, I wipe away the perspiration with my sleeve. I step out, the red button left intact. The dials read October the 12th, 2009. My time machine will lay at rest, not moving nor going, just lay at rest.

“When you’re stripped naked of all the ties, bonds, relations and artifacts, all that remains is yourself.” – Shadi H.

The complications that unfold as we grow an extra inch seem to grow an extra mile. The hatred seems to exponentiate, the faith seems to disappear. Dreams seem to shatter and wounds don’t seem to heal. The responsibility you can’t bear anymore as the tasks you cannot heave. I encourage you all to lift yourselves up, with nothing and no one but yourself. God created you in his finest image, and unless you’re a conjoined twin, he created you separated from all other mortals. He gave you your own heart, to love with yours alone. He gave you your own brain, to think with it when you can. He gave you your own set of hands and legs, to move yourself in any direction you please. He gave you your own soul, yours to have alone. You can share them all with people, but you can never give them away. At the end of the day, you chose to be content with what He gave you, or miserable longing for someone else’s items.

Mixed ideas, thoughts and memories, thought they’d make for a nice post. Tell me what you think :).

Cheers.

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12 Comments

Filed under Life, Myself & I, Struggling with the unknown

12 responses to “Time travel

  1. Now that’s one amazing post! Good job.

  2. Lots of thoughts to discuss any, but I loved the post… one of the best things I’ve read in a very long time, seriously.

  3. Daniel

    Well, those would be my personal additions…and I’m the worst person in the world to express himself with words (another reason why I can’t write a blog):

    After an argument with a family member…sit back in your room, recall those past memories and those special ones that you can almost feel the atmosphere, hear the background noises, vivid images and see how both of you used to be.

    You re-realize how time have passes by, how you have always been eager to grow up and now it hits you. Suddenly you realize how things change, one thing after another. And suddenly you feel like you have been on auto-pilot for years.

    You then tuck yourself in bed again, wake up and its a whole new day where you can barely feel those emotions again when the sun light hits your eyes and there goes another month of effort, work, stress to pursue that feeling to gain power and to prove yourself.

    And then comes back that day where you sit in your bed and think of how you are feeling alone, what you could have done better for this not to happen and how no one stands up for you. What happens is that you hit up one small sad thought that gets your brain working on extracting more until you end up with a pack of tissues in your hand and watching those memories from a projector on your brain’s walls.

    There is your family, who wanted to be right beside you for years, but you still wanted to stand up for yourself alone, are now busy with their plans or have grown up. Yet they still love you, but you feel like you have not entered this world for a long long time that its feels very scary.

    And this is the point where a lot of people tell you that you are stuck with your past, that you wont be able to continue into your future. I have found two solutions for this: 1. Surround yourself with the people who are going through the same thing, those friend who will support you no matter what, your friends who will never harm or hurt you and make you feel alive. Who you’ll look back into those memories together while you are 60 years old. (But who are we kiddingโ€ฆthats just a scene from a movie) 2. Swallow up those emotions, pack them up, burry them deep down (that they would need a lot of effort to get them out again) and pursue your life with no feelings for anyone so you can survive this unfair world.

    (Again, those are my own personal thoughts…it might not make sense)

  4. Anon

    yabay ma afalsafak

  5. mohammad

    you know something shadi, always when i see a long post i leave it after reading the first paragraph, but this post attracted me from the first one ๐Ÿ™‚

    really an amazing post, keep it on ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. The Bff

    what about changing the dial to last year.. where we sent countless hours doing nothing but play duets of acoustic medley.. .. order ruwais and play pool.. the good old days.. amazing post.. hope you won’t mind me copying and pasting it as my own for an english essay.. if I get an A or a B.. I’ll tip my hat to you good sir.. but if I fail.. I’m ransacking your rectum =P
    โค

  7. KJ

    The way you articulate your thoughts blow me away.

    Many of us do long for the past when our childhood lives were simpler, yet we teach ourselves that we have to grow out of it because the reality of the situation isn’t thus.

    So we become the new reality, instead of sticking to our values and slowly shape a different one, at least the one we operate in.

    Unfortunately, the situation now is “ma3ak lera, bteswa lera”. Values play an important part in many other aspects though, which we are all taught to grow out of.

  8. Wa3d

    HEAL
    ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. When I was reading this i felt I was there. And I wanted to be in that time machine.

    Wow Shadi. Very nice.

    If you ever quit being a doctor, maybe you can be a writer.

  10. Nerd ;P

    Amazing words seriously ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. I tried to comment before but I failed each time as emotions conquered me!
    Your words are just too intense, too sharp that they drill holes in my soul, over and over…

    I was holding my breath through the whole post!
    Now reading it for the fourth time, the same chills still run down my spine.
    Scenes from my childhood I see, I re-experience the exact same emotions. I close my eyes as I feel the old magic..
    Tears run down my cheeks..

    I continue reading.. I smile.. and I grin.. and I feel proud.. then faith fills my heart and I grow invincible!

  12. Abe

    Speechless is a word i would definately put out to such a thrilling and attracting piece of Post, every sentence meant something and its exactly as if im sitting there right next to you while you were about to press the ‘red button’, i start thinking with you shall we press it or not … lets make this short … we end up convincing each other that there will be no use to go back in time … now is the time we change who we are, who we want to be and who we make out of ourselves !

    Peace bro, loved it ๐Ÿ˜‰

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