Category Archives: Personal

My inner child – Writing IV

My inner child is the title to my last 3 posts for a reason. I started out believing that my inner child was the little boy who wanted to know everything, wanted to explore the world. The little boy who wanted to know how the ice-cream he enjoys is made, how my digestive system breaks it down to produce my love handles and how the man behind the counter could spend 365 days a year scooping up a ball of strawberry-flavored to place on my cone.

I came to realize, starting last week, after the enormous amount of stress from my exams and problems scattered here and there, that my inner child is also something else. My inner child is the little boy who’s scared when the room goes dark, when his mom travels away and he’s stuck in a house by himself. My inner child is the purest of hearts, betrayed by the cunning wolf to steal his lunch basket. My inner child is the most idiotic of them all, the one who believes life comes in an assortment of rainbows, unicorns and butterflies.

For what are we but children, mere children who walk on Earth. What are we but the embryos of an ever evolving and ever developing world. Cocoons that need years to grow into butterflies, but most of us emerge with no magic dust on our wings, to fall flat on your face. Others are swiped off the Earth as worms, by chirping early birds who first get their game. Who are we to not fear what we don’t know, to not be scared of a world that is not what it seems to be.

“I do not fear anything but God.” A statement that ticks me off, really makes my blood boil. You should be scared of what you don’t know, and before you fear nothing but God, take a good look around you and figure out what you do not know. I always used to be naive, as a child, thinking I’d always know everything. Times have changed, and what we know now is but the teachings of a school boy, a young ignorant child who first learns the colors of the rainbow, not knowing that what you see is mere junk to the colors that exist.

We all should be scared of everything around us. We should all fear the dark, the light, the sky and the oceans below. We should fear our neighbors, our friends, our enemies.

The little boy, the child, the potential senior citizen should mostly fear himself, for without fear of yourself, you will never appreciate what or who you are. You will never appreciate your maker, your destroyer and the path you are on. Fear yourself to ask yourself more, to figure out more about what goes on in your brain, your mind and your body. Ask yourself, who am I? Fear not that you will perish, but that you will perish not knowing who you are.

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Filed under Myself & I, Oh my Philosophy, Personal, Struggling with the unknown

Dear Santa..

Santa

Dear Santa,

It’s been a few years since I’ve written you a letter, and even though I know this will probably get lost in the mail by the incompetent postal service in Jordan, I’ll take my chances. This year Santa, assuming you exist, I want nothing at all for me. I’m tired of being selfish and asking for the new GI Joe, the new Playstation and the new Game Boy. This year I want something for someone else. This year Santa, I want you to take your flying reindeers, including that red-nosed one…what was his name again? Roofus? No, no, Rudolph, yeah, that’s his name. I want you to take your flying reindeer and give my toys to children of need. I want you to take my toys and give them to the kid who can’t afford 15 piaster plastic slippers, so his feet have adapted to the rough terrain, they’re harder than rock. I don’t need your gifts anymore Santa, I don’t need anything.

Santa, I have a question to ask. How do you get all your gifts across the world in such a short period of time? Are you really able to do that, or do you just lie and give gifts to those who can tell of your story? Disregarding the family of 6 children, all covered in the same blanket, peeking at their dusty chimney pretending to sleep, only to be disappointed that you don’t arrive. Disappointed or have they grown accustomed to your absence, your in-existence?

Santa, do you really like milk and cookies? Are you fat because you’ve devoured so much of our milk and cookies? Is that all you eat or do those extra calories once a year define your waistline? I’m wondering because I have to ask, since you have enough fat on your body to keep you warm and keep your hunger satisfied, why don’t you save up all those cookies and all that milk and feed those starving kids in Australia Africa? Assuming you only give gifts to the houses in China, that’s 1.5 billion people. Divide that by 3, since every household can have a maximum of 3, that will give you…umm…1,000,000..2,000,000…….35,000,000. Damn it, I don’t know Santa, but that’s a lot of cookies and milk!

I’ve been both naughty and nice this year, but that’s not why I’m not asking for presents. I’m not asking for presents Santa because Christmas presents are for children, and I’m all grown up. I’m all grown up but there are kids my age who are convinced chocolate is the devil, because their parents can’t afford to buy it. There are kids who have those big, football sized bellies, I’m no doctor but that isn’t really normal now is it? Oh wait, how about the fact that they’re not wearing anything. Or the fact that the closest thing to rice they get is the rice-diarrhea they get from their “neighborhood friendly”, Malarial infection.

Santa, I hope you don’t get me wrong and I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings when I called you fat fluffy. I just want to say again, that all I want for Christmas this year Santa, is a big box of change.

One more thing Santa, are you affiliated with Jesus at all? Or is that long hair just a coincidence?

P.S. If you happen to receive this letter, do pass on some cookies to my local Postal Service.

Yours unfaithfully,

Shadi.

Merry Christmas everyone 🙂 enjoy the end of the year with your friends and loved ones. The above letter is a very subjective one, so feel free to interpret it in the many ways that I’m sure you will all have, and feel free to share your interpretation down here in the comments box. Cheers.

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Filed under Myself & I, Personal, Saving the world

Reflections of a medical student: Week 1

My first week as a 4th year medical student is almost over and I am sleep-deprived, exhausted, hungry and confused. Everything is new to me now that I started my clinical practice. This first week is basically 25 lectures covering a whole clinical examinations book. The 25 lectures are spaced out over 5 days where each lecture takes a little over an hour. The lectures are given by mean ass surgeons and doctors who basically don’t give a fuck whether we get the information or not. It’s a whole new experience. Not to mention that I’m now forced to dress formally to the hospital, shirt and tie and what not. Basically the reason I haven’t blogged in a week is because I wake up at 6:30 a.m. and shower, then go to school and attend lectures till 4 p.m. I write lecture notes at the speed of 1,000 words a second just to be able to catch up with the idiot who treats us like we’re actually physicians and require us to know every disease in the world. Fourth year is a busy, busy year with a huge amount of stress and responsibility. Not to mention my oh-so-kind-heart that additionally accepted an assistant research position with a few fellow medical students, where we’ve been working for 3 days on a Breast Cancer survey. Running around all over Irbid getting women over 40 to answer a questionnaire that takes almost 30 minutes to complete. I go home every night at almost 10 p.m, once even at 12:30 a.m. So basically, wake up at 6 and sleep at 11 pm with nothing in between but constant running around and cramming my brain with all sorts of physical examinations I’m going to perform on real patients this sunday throughout.

 The good thing though is, that through this hassle, I have little time to reflect on things that once kept me up all night. Sure, I have some free time but I spend it over with the guys to keep my head far, far away. As I write now, I reflect.

I know how much my posts have been depressing lately, and because of that I shall adopt the same thing I do while in class. When one of my depressing subjects come to mind, I just concentrate even more on what I’m doing (listening and taking down notes in that case) and allow my reflections to lie in my pages.

“I dream of a day…”

I wrote a whole lot more than the above quote, which is just the first 5 words of a paragraph I now flip into my yellow pages. I flip it back with my stained sheets, my letters ink-blotted by tears. I flip it back with my heart, my memories. I flip it back…

It’s impossible for me to fake a mood, be someone I’m not or fake a feeling I feel. It’s impossible, be it through my actions, my writings or my face. When I’m sad you can see it, and when I smile at you or make you laugh when I’m pissed off it’s because I flip my yellow pages again, and revisit them when I want to. I am who I am. I’ll never be a character I’m not, live a life I promised never to live, leave my morals or code behind. I flip it all back now…

Don’t be someone you’re not. Don’t live a lie. Don’t pretend that things are okay just to get through the day, because at the end of that day you’re going to end up alone, regretting that phone call you didn’t make, that offer you didn’t take, that message you didn’t relate. Wake up.

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Filed under Life, Personal, Random thoughts, The start '09

Ramblings of an insomniac: Número tres

Her smile I saw first, pearly whites aligned. A purple hoodie she had on, her arms wrapped around herself trying to keep some of that warmth she got from hugging the heater back home. Black army boots, stomping her foot showing her assertive side. As much as she hid herself from the world, she shone in mine. A tiny filament, with electricity running through her; she lit up my empty dark box. The girl in purple I called her then. The girl in purple, now my memories return.

She walked, head up, hair tied in a pony tail; “I’m not a girl, I’m a woman” it entailed. Milk white skin, a freckle here, a freckle there; just like memories in every star I told you, spread across the sky I stared as I went home. The rain would come, she’d hide out in the open space. Yes, she’d hide out in the open space, under the purple hoodie, arms tighter now, eyes up to God as she praises his blessing. Talks to the cloud, watches them cry. I look up and praise the Lord now, but now it does not rain so I cry.

Her notebook she clutches, tight to her bosom. Never late for class, her enthusiam alluring. Watches, learns and smiles. Those pearly whites, flash again so bright, I couldn’t take it; in a frame I hold it now. My box now filled, with purple, but my electric bills I have not payed yet. I fumble in the dark.

The corner,right under the trees. The reastaurant, at the end of the street. The lamp post at the end of that scary road. The pool table, a soda can on the side. The stationary shop, at the top of the stairs; I visited too much. I walk, I walk past.

Words, words are never enough. Actions, also never enough. Emotions, feelings, heart, mind, body and soul. Always and forever, enough.

I light 2 matches, the third I keep unlit. A sweater I put on, that sweet scent underneath.

Kiwi.

It’s 6:09 a.m. and I sit restless in this internet cafe typing away at a two dinar keyboard and listening to cheesy latin music. I couldn’t sleep, got up and walked. I couldn’t write, I was too angry to write. What was I mad about, I now forget. I count to 10, 20, 100 now. I count to a million and I see it all in purple. No red, no black, no pink, no white and no shades. Pure purple now I see. The weather outside is amazing. Watching the sun rise turning the sky an array of colors. Blue, pink, orange and yes, purple. I smile.

Princess.

I close my eyes now. [I actually did close my eyes for a second]. I see the freckles. I see the stars. I see.

The sun’s still shy.

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Filed under Personal, Random thoughts

I sit here

teddy

I sit here and I smile, I smile because I know.

I know who I want, what I want and how I’m going to get it.

I know who I am, who I really am, inside and out.

I’m not scared of anything but God himself.

Jesus Christ is in my heart and he’s always around.

I pray for me, for you and for everyone I love.

I pray for peace, serenity and the tides to cool down.

I smile and I sit here, you know why I smile.

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Filed under Personal

Anywhere but here

I wait all night, I wait all day.

I wait while I pray.

I wait while I shower and even when I play.

I wait, I wait.

The sun doesn’t shine, it’s just bland and colorless.

The moon reflects nothing but the sour anguish.

The earth doesn’t rock, my world nor hers.

I don’t want to live forever, I want my stairway to heaven.

Paradise, a place on Earth.

In her arms, where I remember last.

Cuddled, safe, purple and content.

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Filed under Personal

Life is but a dream

As a twenty year old man, the roads I have ahead of me are plenty. Roads come with decisions and which one do I take, that I don’t always know. I was out with my parents today and we had a little argument in the car. I was telling them about my plans for the future, in terms of studying and elective courses in the US, and one thing led to another and we were talking about my future career after graduation.

I’m a true believer in helping others, and by that I mean giving my time to make the less fortunate feel better. I believe in volunteering and I don’t care for material return because to me, a smiling man, woman or child is gain enough. I know I sound cliche, but I’ve never had a materialistic view of life. I live a happy life and I am fortunate enough to have two wonderful parents who almost always give me what I want. They always work and sacrifice for me and my brothers and now that I’ve hit 20 years old, I realize it is time to give back as much as I’d gotten over the years.

Over the past few years, particularly since I started studying in Jordan, I’ve had my views changed on many ideas of my life. My origin, Palestine, has grown deeper into my heart and memory. My career, medicine, has become a part of me and has changed the way I treat others. My experiences with everyone I’ve gained or lost during my 3 years at college has shaped me in various ways.

The discussion with my parents brought up issues on life, and how hard it is to make it on your own now. This is a small part of it, it went something like this:

Dad: I wish that you guys would be able to achieve in just 5 years what took me 25 years to achieve.

Me: Yeah, I don’t care for money.

Dad: Oh so you think that your skills are how you’re going to help people, and then what?

Me: Dad, I don’t care la for money wala for fancy cars. All I want to do is help people.

Dad: I’m not saying you should go out and buy everything fancy, bas bokra lama tefta7 mostashfa, instead of asking 10K for this specific operation you’d only ask for 6K.

Me: Yeah, that’s not the type of audience I want to reach.

Dad: And what do you want?

Me: My view is further than people in my community, further.

Mom: Ya3ni sho bidak itroo7 3ala Darfur.

Me: Yeah, why not? Why not Palestine too. I want to work with the UN.

Mom: And what about your kids, your wife? Ma itjebelhom ishi?

Me: They’d have to understand that my life is not mine when I become a physician.

Mom: Yeah, good luck getting married.

Me: If my wife can’t understand that, then balaha, baseer 5oori.

Mom: Bokra ibtekbar ow ibtet3’ayar.

Me: My views on life will never change.

*Then we walk into the mall*

Hala2 when you’re 20, you see life differently than your parents would. I want to be free like a bird, able to speak my mind about everyone and everything. Sacrificing my life to help others is something that I always think about, can it easily be done? Don’t I want a family too? A lovely wife and two lovely kids? The conversation with my parents was one where I was talking out of my heart and not my mind. I know how passionate I am about helping others and that made me block out everything else in life. I know that one day I want to have a family and right now I’m passionate about much more than I can handle in one lifetime.

Bokra bakbar, zay ma galat mama.

The human race is greedy, ow as good as we are, it’s impossible not to think of yourself. It’s very important to be happy and it’s very important to be satisfied with who you are as an individual because that will affect everyone else around you and everyone close to you. I’m not saying I want the best clothes, and the best cars, and a gigantic house, I just want to be happy so that I can help others around me, and in our modern world, achieving both at once is not an easy task. To have a family you need to think of your wife and kids first, before yourself. To be a physician you have to put your patients before yourself. My career path is not an easy one, and it’s one I chose myself, so if you’re a fellow physician you understand the roads that are up ahead for us.

For now, I’m twenty and I want to enjoy being twenty. I live my life, day by day, enjoying every moment, gasping every breath fully for myself, to shape myself into the best person so that I can be the best person for my family and those I want to help.

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Filed under Life, Personal